I

It’s now midnight and I’m writing this out of frustration.  I woke up this morning and read an article from “Wait but Why”.  In it there was a chart that showed how people spend their lives in weeks.  Based on a very generous 90-year life, there it was the average life, all laid out very neatly in little squares.  I was challenged by this and as so often am, desired to make a change in my life.

You see, I’ve been off from work again for several weeks, and have yet again, let this time slip away.  Not really doing anything that I wanted to do, that I thought I would do, my photography, photoshop classes, my newest efforts in creative expression in encaustic, painting, mixed media, collage, and classes that teach these disciplines.  As, I have spent most of my life, I’ve coasted through, passively, inattentively, to the point that I look back and say that I’ve wasted my time.  Wasted my thoughts, my efforts, my life.  Waking in the morning, and finding passive things to fill my time.  Then at the end of the day saying well I’ll try again in the morning.  Just to wake and do it again.

I feel as though I’ve never settled on a direction for my life.  I’ve never found those friends that make a social circle, or keep in touch for life, no matter what.  I’ve never found that soulmate that fills the other half of who we are, that completes us.  I haven’t even been able to establish a real profession, no less build professional relationships.

I make efforts to go one way and then tire of it and move on.  I’ve done this with bible school, construction, photography, massage therapy, homesteading, and I’m sure those are just the ones that come to mind on a moments notice.

There other things that have hounded me, my entire life.  For example the constant fight of sleepiness.  As long, as I can remember, I’ve always had a hard time staying awake 16 hours straight.  As a child it I was expected to take a nap.  It got to the point that as an adolescent and teen, I would come home from school and sleep.  In high school, in class, almost every day I would fall asleep.  I remember someone at school telling my mother that I had to be drinking a bottle of booze a day to be sleeping like that.  I remember thinking that I didn’t drink at all, at that point.

Another constant, is my thought life.  Constantly questioning decisions, and batting things around till it hurts the inside of my head.  Feeding lustful thoughts and habits, that seem to be out of my control.  From my earliest memories, though my adolescence, teens, young adulthood, middle age, and now my 50’s.  I’ve never been able to control my thoughts or how they effect my body.  Getting sick to my stomach and loosing days of work because I can’t get out of the bathroom.  The doctors finally said it was stress.  There was nothing physically wrong with me.  Hives, hair lose, heart palpitations, shakiness, fits of depression.

I’m not sure why I’m the way I am.  And at this point, I’m not sure it matters.  What I’ve got to understand is that I must come to the point that I embrace who, and what I am.  It’s only in accepting it that I can identify what needs to be changed.  Then with that knowledge I can then make the changes that I want to make.  If the past, I can come to this point.  I often know what I want to change.  It’s how I came to the “Wait but Why” site to begin with.  I am a master procrastinator.

What I really need then, is to find in that embrace, the strength, commitment, and self-control to make the changes that I want to make.  The discipline to advance change.  Personal change.  To shape myself into who I want to be.  I don’t want to live a life half asleep, passively watching life pass me by.  I want an enlightened life, with purpose, and direction.  A reason for being.

I think I’m gonna start by printing out the blank version of that chart and filling in what’s I’ve done with my life, up till this point.  Circling highlights and major changers in the margins.  Than hang it someplace I can see it regularly, as a reminder of where I’ve come from, where I am, and what I have in front of me.  This sounds like a good place to start.  A good place for a new beginning.